Have you noticed?

Leave me a message or send me an email

2006-08-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting how in this vast world of communication, where an instant message can travel across oceans in seconds, that people are lonlier and more isolated then ever before.

Now granted I am as guilty of this as anyone, I am a self pronounced addict to msn, text messaging and my email...but I also make a point to make sure that I take the time to call now and again or meet for lunch.

I suppose its a fair statement to say that the scales as with anything in life can tip either way....you either feel more connected or subsequently more disconnected, your emotions and words reduced to nothing more then a series of 1 and 0s. What differentiates one from the other though?

Personally I feelthat this link to the world allows me to communicate with people who I would otherwise lose contact with...I hardly can afford to call overseas every time I want to share my latest story of a fabulous new purchase, or the recent blunder in my love life can I?
I mean I am hardly Paris Hilton...ugh its best not to get me started on her!!

But what of those that find their only communication with the outside world is with faceless people with non descript name handles...is this mindless banter..this reaching out to a complete stranger the satisfying relationship that people inheriantly need, generally no.

Hand in hand , I wonder if this fast paced communication, puts a black stain on old fashioned converstation.. where we grow more accustomed to one sided thoughts and converstations, short blips that allows us to carry on with our day undisturbed. Where we now find ourselves irritated that someone has interuppted our day with a phone call.

We are losing the art of conversation, forgotten and washed away in a place where people are less afraid to be themselves behind typed words then from across a table. Instead of being so concerned with our time line, perhaps we should be more concerned with the missed opportunites everyday to reach out to someones basic human need, to feel they have been heard.

Maybe we should just for one day, put down the cell phone, smile and say hello to the person in line and instead of checking our blackberry for the latest email report from the weather network..... call your friend and just see how their day is going. it may just be the thing they needed.

No Babes in BOYland

2006-04-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

There is a magical place where time is suspended.Where days seem like mere seconds....where a week can pass, and it feels as though it were only minutes!

Ladies this place is call BOYland.....and it seems you must posess the Y chromasone to enter.

It is this wonderous place that causes us to stress and grow more confused as we wonder why hes not called in a week....surely he must be dead. Alas no...hes in BOYland!

BOYland by many accounts is so secret for very fear that woman if they knew of its whereabouts would invade..shouting a furry on angry rants about late arrivals for dinners, forgetfulness of anniversaries and their complete disapperance for days at a time!

No one quite understands exactly how BOYland works...whether its a vortex where no time exists except that on Playstation..or if they just have no batteries for clocks, as all the woman in GIRLland who wait for these boys, have stolen them to fuel...alternative measures ;)

So my dear friends...if you have ever sat with your girlfriends sipping wine and wondering where the hell your man has gone...do not relenquish to the fact that "hes just not that into you"...somedays "hes just not into showering" either....hes gone to BOYland.

Till he returns swearing that his 7 day absesnce was only really 3 ( which we both know is not true)....sit back , take deep cleansing breathes..and have some wine...god knows we can;t change them and who really has that much time to put into it!

BOYland......you;d think it would be more theme park then female-less retreat! Men they will never learn!

Trans-Sexual?

2006-03-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

I recently heard a news report on the radio about transgender surgery and how this sort of surgery is once again going to be covered by our public health care.

Transgenders for those who don;t know are people who were simply born the wrong sex. These people live their lives trapped in a body that isn;t right for them, they are physically male, but have always felt they should have been female.

Its a very real problem and one that would be devastating and horribly restrictive to that person. Imagine being trapped in a forgien vessel, like a big man in a wee little car- its would just feel wrong.

It got me thinking that maybe in someways I suffer from a similar problem....perhaps I was born a heterosexual who really should have been a lesbian...god know I haven;t a clue about men!

Now I know what to do with men...no problems there, but trying to understand a mans brain, is like me trying to put an engine back together... I simply don't get it. Seems everytime that something is going well, circumstance pops up.

This time, it was a move, to a very remote location - we are talking hours away. As my good friend pointed out to me one day, I have never dated anyone in the same city as me! Now I appreciate my space and free time but that is ridiculous!

Perhaps I am the Littlest Hobo, wandering from place to place making friends but never growing roots... some sort of Trans-sexual person with a nomadic personality.... sounds like a warm and fuzzy bedtime storey doesn;t it!

Its interesting to me that when you want to grow roots and settle down, that all you seem to find is mud and high winds that blow your right out of your home.

Piss on it....I guess this Trans-sexual nomadic little hobo will just float through live... a heterosexual who in many ways should be attracted to woman- it would be SO much easier, and hell I would have so many more shoes to choose from.....

Stupid Genetics!

Cashing in your chips

2006-03-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

When it comes to the dating game, at some point if you have been out there playing the odds...chances are one will hit. You will find yourself out on a date with someone who fascinates you, who you are quite drawn to in a sexual way and yet feel completely comfortable with.

After that initial meeting you feel a rush...which then quickly swirls around you with an assortment or questions about whether he will call you again, did he have fun and most importantly why it is that you seem to be so concerned...when two nights earlier you had been on two other dates you can barely remember the names of.

My good friend aptly pointed out that when I was not the into the guy I had dated, my report in the morning was about as lively as battery operated toothbrush. However after this particular date...i resembled more the image of cracked out wind up doll.

So when he did call again you wonder what on earth you ever panicked in the first place and before long you find yourself wanting to see him and only him.....but whats worse, is its much much to early to tell him that.

So here you are...found with someone you enjoy ...ah hell you are smitten with and its much to early to tell him how you feel and in many ways it too early for you to understand what you feel...you just know its good.

And it is good....because at somepoint you are going to look up and know that the only person you want to sit beside, is the one you are....all that takes is time.

The Smallest Warrior

2006-03-17T10:16:00.000-08:00

Every once and awhile I am reminded just how arrogant we as the human race have become. We race around day to day trying to keep up or catch up with others....and utter the expression "I just don;t have time for this.." so often that its more common place then dramatic anymore.

We truely are ignorant to the fact that we are vulnerable and easily weakened creatures...alpha species maybe...but we are most definelty delicate.

I found this out when a microscopic virus entered my system...otherwise knows as the flu.

The flu is one of those things that we have all had at one time or another, but just as we have scrapped our knees when we've fallen...we never quite remember what its like till it happens.

How utterly helpless we feel , when the simple act of brushing our teeth or walking to the bathroom, leaves us out of breathe and exhausted.

All to often we simply take our health for granted..we forget how it feels to be burning up with a fever...or how it feels to have your stomach in cramps...or simply how lucky we are to have the energy to walk from out car to the store.

I will tell you as a person who was passed by several senior citizans at the grocery store, its not a nice feeling....especially when a complete stranger asks if you are okay.

Perhaps the worst thing about being very sick is going through it alone...no one there to bring you tea, warm some soup or give you a cuddle when you feel at your worst. The next time a friend is sick I will remember to take that time...and bring then some ginger ale and maybe some soup....as a friend did for me.

Kindness like that, is worth more then any other.

Introspective

2006-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

On a recent weekend away, in a quite comforting a quietly serene environment...I slowed down.

Sounds so very simple doesn't it, slowing down..a simple exercise in savoring a cup of strong coffee while gazing out over a ice covered lake....and doing nothing else.

Whats interesting about slowing down, is once we strip away all the hustle and blurr of our daily lives...we for once have the opportunity to turn inward in our thoughts.

Become introspective, instead of sustaining by being reactive to the environment around us like firecrackers igniting from the nearest heat source.

Sound lovely doesn;t it, time to look inward at ourselves and take a look at not only what we are, but who we are....but what about those times when our reflections of our inner workings resemble more of jumbled mess then an orderly path.

I found myself questioning what would make me happy, and what was making me unhappy. How was it that until these moments of silence , I hadn't realized I wasn;t happy....and had somehow been numbing my feelings with an endless treadmill of activity.

The real stunting observation is that all people no matter how functional and together they may seem....are all really just as disfunctional as we are. The magic of appearing funtional seems to be hidden, in blurred visions of a hectic life.

How many of us, are simply rushing through life, jamming our schedules full of appointments , classes and dates just to avoid these moments of quiet that force us to face our demons and acknowledge we are all just functioning dysfunctionals.

Next time you envy the beautiful girl with the fabulous boyfriend look deeper, she may infact worry that she has no life path.

The successful handsome play boy, may suffer from the greatest fear of loneliness.

The girl whos seemingly has her life together, may just feel that she is not enough.

Hidden in all of us, is a side we long to change. A part of us that looks to others in envy.

When is the last time you reflected on your own life....its sometimes a scary thing; you find answers and a host of unexpected questions.

When all is said and done, one thing is for certain; you will have recognized something about yourself that you hadn't before. Cherish that.

So...when was the last time you were silent?

The Lass and the Fairy

2006-03-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a forest far far away, lived the Lass. The Lass for many months had been free, spending her days froliking throw the trees and her evenings at the Flames of Lava dance.

At the dances she would meet many a suitor...all who in the friendly glow of the flames , did not look the least bit psycho killer....until, they desired her attention all the time, and pouted when she would retreat to the woods, to soak her tired feet.

The lass was growing wary of the Lava dance, and had been recieving smoke signals once again from the Duke....some smoke coloured in a rather deep shade of red, that would cause the Lass to become flushed when she saw it, for the Duke had quite the way with words.

However the Lass remained wary...and tried to maintain distance from the Duke for her heart still very much belonged to the Prince. Sometimes she would wander to the farest hills and look toward the cold , harsh north , where the evil princess ruled..and think of her prince...but it was no use.

One day as she wandered down the path for the Lava dance, she came across a rather striking white pig....a talking white pig...how very odd. She stopped and chatted with the pig, only to realize that the pig was infact her prince...so she sat and spent time with him..her feelings all rushing back...and just as she felt the love for him creep back in **POOF** he was gone.

The Lass looked around....but the prince was gone, Only a fairy remained.
"Where has my prince gone?" the Lass asked
" My dear dear Lass....it is a lesson for you to learn...when you no longer wish to care for your love, he will appear..and when your emotions once again return, he will vanish" the fairy calmly explained.

"But fairy..whatever could be the point of this? Why must he poof when I start to have feelings"

"My dear girl," the fairy continued " If I could figure that out do you think I wouldn't be floating around on these stupid wings? They just POOF!"

....and just like that she was gone leaving the Lass alone and very confused.

So on her way she went off again to the Lava dance....hoping that she would find someone who would not POOF but stay with her instead.

The morel of this storey is that you rarely have what you want, you get what you don't need and no matter how hard we try, men will just never makes sense...POOFing is simple in their make up.

Hormone E?

2006-02-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Everyone has heard that ectasy gives people that participate in these happy pills, experience a state of utter euphoria.

So euphoric that you find yourself blissfully out of control of your emotions, in love with everything your senses can find; oddly hormones are not much different then our chemical counterpart E.

How many times have you found yourself, completely consummed but the very thought of the opposite sex. The way they smell, the roughness of their hands on ours, the five o'clock shadow that scratches our cheeks when we kiss......and the sex dear god can't forget that!

Sometimes we urn for that passion...crave it the way we crave pepperoni pizza and chocolate at certain times of the month...in fact we crave it so much that we sometimes can think of nothing else.

Yes hormones are in many ways like drugs...exhilarating, emotional, completely out of control and highly addictive.

These nasty little hormones, cause us to lose our inhabitions and feed our temptation, lusting for touch like a thirsty man needs water.

Hormones or E......its all just too hard to decifer!

"I jhsut called to say I Looove YOUU!

2006-02-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

The real distinguishing thing that seperates us from our ape like counterparts, is our need as people to communicate.
We yearn for the ability to speak and be heard..to share our thoughts and express ourselves to others. This urge is however no greater then when we are completely pissed as farts

Yes friends I am talking about what is commonly referred to as the drunk n' dial..usually occuring at 3 am...we feel a sudden all consuming need to reach out and touch someone....this feeling is often just as strong as our need to order pizza for delivery, and then promptly fall asleep after it arrives, our slice sitting with only a few bites out of it.

I suffer from this problem of the drunken need to spread my love....however I wish it was just limited to the phone...oh no....why piegon hole myself to one communication tool when there is email! Text messaging and MSN.

Now you can spread your love all around, with many different devices.....SUPER!

Perhaps you have, as I have....experienced the odd...somewhat vague email that you remember sending, yet not know what it actually said, or if it was even typed in english....sometimes hoping that you were just hitting random keys.

What of the MSN chats that you start between various people....some of which depending on the state of mind you are in, can become, rather explicit in content....only to find out that, parts of converstations were actaully being sent to the wrong people!

Imagine, the horror of realizing your naughty thoughts were actually ending up, in a window that was previously discussing plans for the up coming week....a bit of a sticky situation don;t you think!

THe Key I have found is simple.....contact those who will understand your missed sense of logic, hope they will find humor in your antics....and when all else fails....shrug your shoulders and say Oopsie.....

After all...you can;t undo a drunk n' dial.....but the next time....maybe you can hide your phone and modem cable.

Reunited...

2006-02-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

On my drive home to visit with my mother, I heard a news storey of great importence.
SO worthy that it was part of an actual news report....which would then imply that the facts the story contain are bound to effect all people deeply.

Folks....Barbie and Ken might be re-uniting!

If your reply was "what?!?" , congratulations you are still a normal functioning human. If however your response was "oh thats nice to hear..they were such a nice couple." ; drive immediatly to the nearest therapist!

Why the hell is this even news worthy...they are plastic molded dolls people! What made this story all the more infuriating was the newscaster proclaiming that after Kens "Extreme Makeover" and wardrobe overhaul..he was ready to win back Barbies heart.

Perfect...as if Barbie in and of itself has not damaged the minds of young girls everywhere enough. For years leading them to long for a body that if made in anatomical proportions would tip over; but now an even more damaging message is being fed to these young woman.

If you want love....and to recieve love...you must possess good looks and a fabulous wardrobe!
"He would date me if my nose was perfect"
"He would love me if only my thighs didn;t touch"
"Well can you blame him for ignoring me, my breast are so tiny"
" He would date me if I had a teeny weeny dog, and a pink convertable"

These messages that filter to us in our older years via music, television and magazines is now set to makes it way into the thoughts of toddlers.

Pretty is good. Ugly is bad. Plastic surgery fixes everything....

GOD!

People are being slaughtered in Africa, suicide bombers are terrorizing citizans of the middle east over religion and innocent young girls are being abandoned to die in some Asian areas.......its completely understandable why a Barbie would make the newscast!

Its too bad we don't hear exactly what we should " ON Sale NOW! Overly marketed molded plastic with demonsterable message- guarenteed to create years of self esteem issues."

Ask yourself, what price is that really worth?

Love@dot.com???

2006-01-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

For anyone who has spoken to someone single, I am quite sure that one sentiment has resonated throughout all your conversations.....dating is simply exhausting!

Its quite true, being single is after all one of the most time consuming, frustrating and sometimes ridiculous experiences in life. Sure it can be rewarding, after all sitting inside having a nice conversation with lifes little pleasure known as Lattes..is not that horrible.

But lets be honest thats the best of it sometimes. Where are the people telling you about the guy who shows up late, chews with his mouth full, scratches his ear with the end of his fork and then proclaims to have forgotten his wallet, before grabbing a handful of mints on the way out.

Perhaps its my own fault for not "going to the bathroom" and sprinting out the back door...I am cursed with a over empathetic self...who doesn;t want even the ear scratcher to feel the humilatation of being ditched mid dinner....which I turn out paying for!

Internet dating is quite popular....and I have heard some great stories of success for people like myself who find it hard sometimes to meet people outside a bar scene, while working in a female dominated field.....but people where are the warning signs!!

Desperate men wanting fertile human incubators are rampant on these sites...looking for their perfect younger woman to fill their estates with babies, but offer no opinions.

Needy men who resemble hoards of jack russells jumping at your ankles as if to say " pay attention to me , pay attention to me!!

Love is hard enough to find....but when finding someone normal enough not to ruin the blissful state my vanilla latte brings is difficult- dear god..it could be the end of human regeneration as we know it!

For now I will do my best to sift through the mess that is my single dating life....and thank god herself that Starbucks is open late!!

Jello Jiggler

2006-01-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

What the hell has happened to my metabolism? No really I am curious about this...its seems as though, my slow but somewhat existent calorie burner, has simply packed up shop and left.

This thought occured to me the other day when I realized that as I am approaching 28, I am less 6-pack and more Jell-O Jiggler. Now I am quite sure as I sampled ever single Belgian chocolate, cookie and holiday treat that came through our office door, that in quite a few ways I am responsible...but come on!

There is a guy who works at my office, who by all accounts should be teetering at the 400lb mark, he consumes pizza,poutine and brownies in such large quantities i have contemplated suggesting we install a crash cart..yet he gains not a pound. i walk past an Mcdonalds and gain weight.....

So alas as my metabolism has taken a hike , it seems the only place this jiggler is headed is to the gym and pronto.

Even though I know that my tummy could be firmer..hell most of me could be firmer...we must always remember something very important at times like these...

There is always room for JELLO!

Stimulation

2006-01-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

As of late my romantic love life has somehow had the fire lite under it and have realized something that I as of yet, I had not.

Men in a general sense, are almost 100% visually stimulated...not that it should come as a real shock to anyone, but to the extent this occurs...is incredibly shocking.

Men will flock by the dozens after a female whos only contact is a picture and few typed words, and fight for that womans attention, a woman they have yet to speak one word with.

In fact I am quite certain that if you were to hang signs that read "Cage all men and use them for amusement" on naked woman , they would vote yes in a heartbeat..and then say "what sign?"

Woman on the other hand are more intellectualy stimulated. Now I am not saying that we don't appreciate a well chisled chest or firm round ass....cause trust me..thats an apple we'd like to bite!

As my good friend stated at breakfast recently, woman long to be engaged. I'm not talking with a big shiny diamond... we want a man who engages us. Fuels our interest and makes us crave them.

I guess in alot of ways men do become like chocolate, a tasty treat that when craving it we can think about nothing else till we get it....nothing else will satisfy us!

What is often the saddest thing yet, is the woman do the talking, and the men look at us never actually see us....they simply don;t take the time to get to know who we really are.

Neither party is satisfied, the woman doesn;t feel engaged, and without any real knowledge of who the woman is, her beauty fades..and the man loses interest.

So are we all just screwed then??

Not really, perhaps though, woman need to be a little more like men...and men a little more like woman...and then things will work!

Course when woman start smacking their friends asses cause they beat their best fart to date..and men start complaining that the salt from lunch has caused them to bloat...step back, things have gone much much too far.

Spooked!

2006-01-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

Every year around groundhog day we read and hear about the groundhog. With great anticipation we wonder if he will see his shadow, or not in which case he would crawl back into his hole.

I wonder seeing as when he does see his shadow and zips back into his hole, if his very shadow infact scared him. It dawned on me recently that men, okay most men are like our happy little gopher friend. Frightened easily!

What is it with men, that scares them so easily...it puts alot of undue pressure on us woman. Course in alot of ways....this unknown mystery has fuelled the female magazine industry for decades.

" How to make a man fall in love with you in 9 simple steps."
" The top 10 things everyman wants to hear..."
" What he thinks of us naked..the truth revealed."

I could go one, but quite honestly neither of us has that kind of time! The fact of the matter is that you just never know how easily spooked a man is till...well you have spooked him.

Some of these creatures scare easier then deer...on misplaced word, and their brain rockets them into thoughts that you want to bear their children and gain 50 pounds....when all you may have done is refer to the two of you as "we". Seems silly doesn't it..and at times down right infuriating, how can you run so quickly because of a misplaced word!

Others don't spook quite so noticibly...they simple vanish. I call this group the Forgotten.
The forgotten you see are those men, who simple choose to forget you exist...and in turn more often then not we forget about them as well.....till they show up just when you really HAVE forgotten them.

No matter the reason, I think whats clear is one thing..men scare easily. So should we then heed the words of Cosmo and alter our behaviour so they will stick around? HELL NO!
If a misplaced word or unexpected rant sends a man running, then thats just not a relationship worth being in...do you really want to spend your time stepping on eggshells just to be with someone?

Of course not..! Work is involved with relationships, but at the same time....it shouldn;t be that hard. Be yourself and be proud of that...someone out there is bound to recognize how great you truely are!

Once Upon a Time...

2006-01-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a not so distant place a young lass navigated her way through the forest happily in hand with the friendly and charming foreign prince, until one day they came to a cross roads.

The lass wanted to head off to the right, in search of happy times and large mountianous hills of hay in which to roll, but the prince wanted to head to the left, into a land of frigid and cold hand of the evil princess Hillenna.

After much pain the lass and prince parted ways. Optomistic that the lass had nothing to loose, she headed off in search of a new prince to court her, at the local fire dance "Flames of Lava"

At the dance the young lass, bumped into the rugged and handsome duke and was elated..what a wonderous event to have happen just when the lasses heart was at its lowest. They chatted and agreed to meet again, over hot bowls of rabbit stew later that week.

The Lass was excited and recieved smoke messages everyday from the Duke..but alas her arms would tire as she was sending the majority of the message...for the Duke spoke little.

Finally after the stew and some much appreciated moonshine, the Lass, unleashed her tongue and a torrent of ill spoke words poured forth. As if possessed the lass dug herself deeper and deeper. The Duke stunned, hugged the lass and gave her sweet kisses, and went on his way.

The Duke did not send any more smoke signals....and the Lass...was alone.

The moral of this storey: For Christ sake, NEVER EVER talk when you have consummed more then 2 glasses of wine with a boy you like.....because what sounds good in your head, never EVER sounds good when spoken. Honesty only leads to disaster!

The End

Saddle 'em up!

2006-01-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Everyone says that when you fall off the horse you have to get back up on it again and ride.
Obviously these were cowboys who first coined this expression, but in reality...what other option did they have? Its not like a Chevy Bronco was going to be along any minute to pick them up is it!

Although cowboys are few and far between now adays..and just wearing a cowboy hat and boots does not a cowboy make...this expression still lives on.

Guess its better then "Buck up Champ..things will get better!" course thats always coming from the one friend whos life seems to have been pulled from the pages of Little House on the Praire.

I suppose the whole point is to try again, accept your failures and try again..a do over if you will! What happens though when you try to get up on the horse still shaken from your last fall and end up on your back again after being tossed?

A smart person says, to hell with this and fetches a dirt bike...an optomistic person resolves that this toss happened to allow for further appreation when they manage to get back up on there...and some feel its karmic retrabution for dating sins past!

Some times as much as we stand beside that horse and want to get back on it, to ride away..and leave our failures behind, to start over...we just aren't quite ready.

Perhaps its when we get on a horse unsteady with the idea of being up there that we find ourselves bucked off rather quickly...and rightly so, if your not 100% into it, faking it just isn;t going to work.

I think I have a hand on the rein, but maybe not quite ready to sit in the saddle. Guess time will tell.

Train Wreck

2006-01-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever personally experienced a train wreck, not an actual one of course that would be intensely unfortunate...I'm talking about those personal ones that each of us has experienced at one time or another.

A train wreck by best definition is an foreseable disater that is about to occur, yet there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

My latest experience and trust me there have been many...was one of these times.

While on a date, with a man who I do quite like, I managed to pull the ultimate typical girl moment. We are all guilty of this...I mean when you have no idea what the other person is thinking...it drives you crazy! So as in a flash not unsimilar to Torretts...I found myself blabbering on about why I had no idea what was happening and question why on earth he was there and if he was having a nice time....I know..terrible!

It was quite honestly the most horrific moment for me..I could hear the words pouring out of my mouth like water from a tap...yet could not stop myself..loud shouts of DEAR GOD SHUT UP..screaming in my head! Yet I had no control....it was out of body meets torretts - not pretty people!

Needless to say that I would be shocked to hear from him again...crazy people live in white padded rooms for a reason.

OH well...if this has served any purpose perhaps it was to show you all that no matter how on track you may seem...quite quickly you can derail, and there very little you can do about it!

And I thought I was hard up..

2006-01-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

I recently came across an article the other day, where what was being reported was the marriage of a millionare "eccentric" to her long time companion...a dolphin!

What the hell is going on!!!! I have a few problems with this storey, first off, in a world of pending elections, wars, mining disators and global warming...what the bloody hell do I need to read about some "eccentric" who for lack of a better word is nothing more then a crazy lady marrying a dolphin. We have all heard of cat ladies, but this is ridiculous!

So what will happen next? Has this started a precident now? Will all us single woman out there suddenly now be competing not only with other woman but with a mans X-Box, or new shiney beamer??

If a woman is allowed to marry an aquatic animal I assure you that the marriage of boy and playstation is not far to follow!

What has happened to people?? I mean seriously! Now i have heard of rather accidental mishaps with dolphins....arousing situations if you will (mostly for the dolphin!) but this takes the cake.

So much for the wisdom of Cosmopolitan magazine, or the rows of self help dating books...when woman think that they're true love swims in a pool of his own urine and snackes on raw fish, its all over people!

Getting a cat..doesn;t seem so bad now does it!

Expect the Unexpected

2006-01-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

The interesting thing about new beginnings is the sudden feeling of lightness one feels. Its is as though you have been washed clean of all our battle wounds from the previous year, and face the world with a new sense of wonder.

Its interesting how somepeople react when required to start again, to face a change that may not have been welcome. Some like myself, pick themselves up and move forward. We do not forget what has happened, or ignore the sadness we feel leaving behind something we loved..we just know that dwelling is not going to fix much of anything.

Others remain in a state of sadness , they wear this pain like a jacket, and slowly let it go. I suppose in alot of ways its similar to removing a bandaid..either you peel it slowly or rip it off all at once!

An old say states that when God closes a door he opens a window...all metaphorical of course, I mean its Canada..there is no leaving anything open around here..its just to cold!

However in alot of ways that is very true. Just when you think that your chances are all used up...something completely unexpected steps in.

Perhaps instead of the holiday being a season of hope, its best suited to remind us to never give up hope... Fates not given up on us...all we have to do is not give up on ourselves.

How will you be different this year...?

Departing at Gate 23 to destinations unknown

2005-12-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

Some people have what I like to refer to as wander lust, I am one of these people.

Wander lust can best be described as a burning need to see new places and experience new cultures...in short a need to travel.

I love travelling and can't imagine never setting foot on new soil, in fact as far as destinations go, I believe my list of "places to go" grows by the minute. What puzzles me are those who are the exact opposite of me...those that are happy never seeing outside an 4 hour radius of where they were born. The people who live their whole lives , in one place, quite content to look at far away places through the television screen.

Most of my family is like this..quite content toiling away in the garden or mowing the lawn, week after week and year after year. Its not something I scorn them for..it is something however I do not understand. Contentment you see, is something I have never, expect for 10 glorious minutes by a pool, experienced.

Everyday I search for new adventures, yearn for new experiences and wait impaitently till..finally I can afford to jump on a plane and head off to somewhere I have never been.
For me travelling is oxygen..vital to sanity and well being. It feeds my need to explore , learn and experience..in a way no book or film can do.

There are times however that I look to my family and long for the kind of stablilty they have, the roots they have grown. But you just can't have everything, can you?

Perhaps I am not meant for a white picket fence and 2.5 children...maybe as my mother suspects I am a reincarnated nomad, destined to wander the planet for my entire live. Either way I meet such amazing people along the way, that I grow an extended family.

The grass may always seem greener on the other side, and sometimes you find it is...but when all is said and done, it is what resides in your heart that you must follow.
For me looking towards my newest adventure, arms open, ready to embrace whatever may come of it..is where my heart lies.

Its a great big world out there...real question is, is it ready for me?

Truth for a $1000 Alex...

2005-12-26T06:50:00.000-08:00

I was told once the best indicator to a persons moral fiber was to observe how they behaved when no one was looking. How oddly true this fact is, certainly when we are not trying to impress anyone we act as we truely are, unguarded and thought unnoticed.

I have taken this statement to heart and almost subconciously do so immediatly upon meeting someone. Do they hold the door for others, or say thankyou to the ones who hold that door for them? Do they offer up their seat on the subway to someone who obviously requires to sit much more then our lazy selves? Do they just react when they see someone needs help, or do you have to ask them for your help?

Now this may seem harsh after all it does not seem fair to judge someone from actions they are unaware of, but as I once read, truth lies in silence.

So very true, for the person who boasts their goodness, has either had an existence where they were continuously ignored and unappreciated, or is compansating for what a crap person they are down deep.

Interestly enough, there are times when by a person taking no action at all...that we find the most telling signs of who they are.

The person who walks away from a disgruntled stranger who snatches your shopping cart, shows restraint and maturity...why perpetuate a situation that is pointless as several dozen other carts sit idle?

The person who welcomes anyone into their homes, shows a welcoming nature and a giving spirit.

Ther person who walks away from something they want so badly, to save others from pain or upset, shows selflessness and bravery. Walking away from something you most deeply want is always the hardest.

Everyday we encounter these small tests....and for the most part we hope to pass them. Often times it is the intentional tests that we set in motion that backfire in our faces.
The outcome we so wish to happen doesn't. Serves us right for testing, instead of trusting...but by the time we realize this... often it is too late.

We have tested and been disappointed, for we got the exact opposite reaction we had hoped for...we got silence.

Its so hard sometimes to see what we have to offer and sometimes harder still is seeing what we have. Figureing out if what we have is what we want, or if what we threw away in hast is exactly what was needed....is the biggest test of all.

The best any of us can hope for when it comes to lifes tests , is that we pass more then we fail....other then that, its up to us and our decisions. God Help us all!!!

Although I have passed many tests of my own...its would seem that the most important test, with the highest stakes...is the one I failed at....because I gave up hope, I gave up on him and I gave up on myself. Unfortunatly in live there are no rewrites.

Truth lies in silence..... how very true that is.

Seasons Greetings

2005-12-25T06:37:00.000-08:00

Today just a short thank you to all of you who religiously read my mad ramblings. I have heard lots of feedback but would always welcome more. I have opend comments up to everyone, so those without Blog accounts are free to comment.
Thanks for all the support.

Objective Observer

Your Assessed Value

2005-12-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

Ever wondered when Christmas became such a sensitive time of year? After all the sunrises and sets just the same at this time, it is we however that act differently.

People avoid breaking hearts, postpone decisions and generally avoid unpleasantness at all costs, in the attempt to what...prolong a manufactured sense of euphoria?

I too am guilty of this problem. I go to great lengths to ensure I do nothing that could cause me to feel sad or upset during the holidays, lord knows I have enough help with that.

I somehow feel that during the holiday season, it is the one time of year that all odds are to be beaten and miracles occur. We believe, or have been taught that at Christmas, all our wishes and disappointments may all change and we will be granted a new beginning....in short we are given a sense of hope.

New beginnings are possible on any day of any year, but somehow it is Christmas that drives home the feeling that we have for 5 days found the worm hole to happiness, our secret door to Nevernever land.

I wish this were the case, for me as the year unwinds; I reflect inwardly...on what has happened, and what I want for the future.

Sometimes the future is bright and at other times murky..a thick fog I can't navigate through...or choose not to enter at all.

This year, I challenge myself to face what I am willing to endure, and acknowledge just what I am worth, not to anyone else..but to myself.

I have realized that sometimes you need to look back to understand how to move forward.

For my new year to come, I do not know what it holds for me...what I do know, is I will except to be valued for no less then I am truly worth.

Perhaps that is the best gift anyone can give themselves this Christmas...the belief that they are worthy of being number one and settling for no less.

My heart sings

2005-12-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

If you have never felt your heart sing..I truely wish that someday you will. For the song that your heart sings ..is one of pure love and comfort.

I recently watched an episode of Sex in the City, by all accounts the most fabulous show I have ever had the pleasure of viewing. Its topic was about the lack of romance that we as woman accept in our daily lives...trouble is, is there life without romance?

I myself am not in general a romantic person, often my reflection in the mirror is that of a synical and jaded woman, battered and bruised by loves past. Just as quickly though I find myself saying words that i would never have thought likely...and acting from a place I have never experienced.

It seems that when you are in love that everything suddenly is viewed differently, it is all suddenly more gentle and softer then before. It doesn;t always appear in moments of kind word, but in silly icons, cute new nicknames and at times in english lessons.

Love like this makes the day a little brighter, and the heart sing a tune that will forever be written..because with love as with romance, the storey is never written..infact it is an ever evolving storey...thats end...is never welcome.

Until then...let the music play, my song has just begun.

Never Forgotten...

2005-12-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

For anyone such as myself who has lost a loved one near the holidays, they know just how hard these days can be. Christmas carols that once were heart warming, create waves of pain as we remember them playing in the car on the way to the funeral.

Not only is this a trying time for those lost during the Christmas season, but also for those that will find this their first Christmas without their family member.

My father passed away, 16 years ago on this day...and I still feel the ache of him missing at Christmas. Remember what it was like to open his already wrapped gifts from under the tree, and feel for those who will endure this for the first time.

I wish that I had one more day with my dad, and seek to find comfort in the fact that his donated organs, allowed others to see many more Christmases with their families...but alas we are all a little selfish now and then.

One gift that such a tragedy did being to me, was a lesson I have never forgotten. Grudges are never worth holding...so often we argue over the littlest things, and may be haunted by this for the longest times.

Christmas is a season of love and forgiveness..but we should strive to forgive everyday, not only for ourselves..but from knowing that each minute may in fact be our last.

I will always miss my father, he was my daddy who was taken much to early from my life and although I regret our last words, I know he's forgiven me...and I am starting to forgive myself.

Although he may be gone, he will never be forgotten or loved any less.

I love you daddy..and I will never forget you, not ever.

The Stick Factor

2005-12-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

It occured to me just the other day that some people enter our lives and quickly form a bond with us. These meetings may only be for a few days, a few weeks or a couple months, but regardless that connection is formed, like crazy glue the process is quick but the effect long lasting.

Whats most interesting,is that when they leave our lives, the time it takes to rid ourselves of them usually takes much longer. Why is that?

Could our bonds stick so harshly because they are strong, or is it our need to retain them that holds them so firmly in place. The hardest thing for most of us is to let go of the memories, the way that person made us feel inside andthe changes created in us in the time we were together.

Each of us is capable of making decisions for our own best interests, but these deep connections make us question our decisions, and wonder if we acted to hastily more often then not.

How can it be , that somone who shared such a brief amount of time with us can have such a lasting effect? The man who held a door, the woman who offered us a tissue to dry our tears, or a stranger on vacation, each of us creates connections to others in our day to day lives.

Not all stick, but still they leave us with a new found sense of self.

Those that do like good friends we have lost touch with, lovers who we are seperated from, or even on rare occasions people who we can;t imagine living without....they may be for ever bonded.

Glue wears off eventually like stamps from a nightclub, but no amount of soap or water can ever remove these people for good reasons or bad.

I am bonded to many, and these bonds have at times lessened and at others strengthed, but never been washed away.

5 days does not seem by a calendar like time enough to stick...but the heart has never worked by a calender has it?

So be aware, that like gum on a hot sidewalk that sticks to our shoe you just never know when or where you will find yourself stuck.

Madame Butterfly

2005-12-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

I always have marvelled at the progression of the butterfly, how a small caterpillar surrounds itself inside its cocoon and emerges a graceful creature.

These tiny marvels, surround us in our daily lives..each day they occur, yet how often do we ever stop to appreciate them?

Woman are not unlike our friendly butterflies, we too evolve. In our early years we struggle, crawling through life looking to find a space to belong, longing to one day be just like everyone else.

Eventually we hide ourselves away, scared to show the world for who we truely are. Tightly wrapped up in our own cocoons, we wear the mask of the person we wish to entertain.
So great sometimes is this fear, that some of us, stay in our pupated state, to afraid to break free from our disallusioned worlds.

And for some we emerge stronger and more beautiful....because for once we are unapologetically ourselves.

I look back at these stages of my life and notice a vast progression from a young girl with no direction, to a shelled up soul struggling to be everything that everyone else wanted..and fighting to deny myself for who I really was.

Only later, after all the anguish and fury did I realize that to be truly beautiful, one must be who they are. Masks fade and no matter how we try, eventually our true selves break free.

How much time has each of us wasted, trying to fit a mold that just won;t fit? Why has it taken us all so long to realize that just as snowflakes we are individual, unique unto ourselves and perfect for that very reason.

For years I believed to find love, I had to be smarter, prettier, thinner..I had to become a mere copy of the covergirls in magazines. What I didn't realize was that once I accepted myself, others would then as well.

Love my friends, is not a dress size, its not an I.Q...it is all the makes you the woman you are.
Just like butterflies our markings are different, the shapes and colours we take on are too...but all the same we are each beautiful creatures in our own right.

It seems that when we accept ourselves, we then are free to fly. Beauty does not lie in the eye of the beholder, beauty lies within ourselves.

Perhaps its time we opened our eyes and noticed.

Tragic Beauty

2005-12-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered the fascination with tragic love tales? Hundreads of stories such as these have been written, from Romeo and Juilet to the screen version of Moulin Rouge.

Could it be that our fascination is more a recognition of our own lives, the bitter sweetness of love with all its hidden trap doors and unsuspecting surprises.

Nothing as we often forget has ever come easy, we all must fall and then try again..till finally we get it right. Endure the scraps, bumps and bruises..so that eventually we will recongize the hidden evils of past decisions.

Looking back we can often see the errors of our ways, as clearly as we see the sun at the height of noon, but at the time there is no stopping it, we are all just travellers on a run away train.

Tragedy after all is what makes the victories so sweet, the rewards like gifts from the heavens...its sets apart the special from the ordinary in no other way.

Life is a short ride, we find ourselves at our final stop often far too soon, holding our lists of wishes and wants, and filled with regret. A tragedy in and of itself.

Yes tragic love tails are often the most interesting , they take us to our highest highs and to our lowest lows...but what of the drama this causes. At the time it may be exciting and adventurous....but when we realize that its time to step away from the drama for a greater place of calm....the true excitment begins.

Its a different storey, no less exciting...but safe, secure and a warm soft place to land as well.

Perhaps what is most tragic, is all the time we wasted getting to that point.

I've choosen to step off the rollercoaster with all its drama, in favor of a runaway train.....why?

Because I don;t want to be standing when its my stop with a list of wishes and wants....instead I will do what I can to make them all come true. Tragedy is for theatre and movies, life is for living and love.

A Sacrifical Lamb

2005-11-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Do you remember your first day of school? The first time you kissed someone?
Of course you do, that mix of fear and anticipation.

Fears are something we all deal with, no matter how trivial they may seem. Hell I have a fear of clowns, to me there is something strange about grown adults who wear face paint and costumes and play with young children, or it may have been that I watched "IT" at a far to young age.

Somehow though as we age we seem to think that fears are something that should no longer follow us.

What though of the fears that are born when we are completely secure and happy?

Is it that fear that drives us to contemplate walking away in an attempt to safe guard us against, impending hurt? Or could it be that we are more afraid that one day that knock will come on our door and all that I imagined will happen, and somehow I will have lost completely who I am.

Shouldn;t I be happy? Could it be that this suspended knowing is what feeds my fear like the rain feeds the earth?

For me after meeting someone special, I know there is not a day when they are not in my thoughts and in my heart, but yet I question.....is it enough?

Yes fear can be incidious, it feeds off irrational thought and harbours all our insecurites about who we are and who we wish we could be...driving us to believe that at some point we will be faced with the knowledge that we just aren;t enough.

So do we give up? Do we ignore the fact that we may have found the other side to ourselves..to preserve who we once were?

I wish I knew the answer, but some things like a Rubix cube are never solved, they simply evolve. As each day sets and my knock on the door is met with silence, I wonder if it will ever come and if it should how I would feel?

Through my sheer happiness what would lie beneath, a sense of calm or panic?

At times like these I question whether the sacrifice of my own emotions is far less then the pain my actions will ultimatly infict on others, and if in turn my feelings become insignificant.

Love is a hard thing. There are no maps or instructions to guide us through, no real right answers or wrong ones....but maybe sometimes, the fact we question tells us we are doing something right. Love maybe blind, but it certainly is not something we enter blindly.

I have found the other half to my coin, but without the other, its just wooden nickels, the rest of the storey will have to evolve. Maybe its this evolution that is what we truely fear, not knowing, after all is always scariest.

Stained

2005-11-28T16:29:00.000-08:00

Tattoos as we all know are permanent marks, sometimes later viewed as mistakes by some and othertimes as personal statements .

These types of stains have been a part of history...dating back hundreads of years..as way of standing out, or being an original.

Tattoos say alot about who we are, but what of the marks we can;t see, the impressions left on us that are invisible to the eye?

As permanant as ink, the events we encounter leave marks...sometimes painful other times spots of joy..but regardless they are there. It seems as with tattoos, we are forever changed and all the wishing will never return us to how it was before.

The people who enter our lives and create an impact, rewrite our blueprints, leave an impression like footsteps in sand....and we are changed.

We are effected so deeply sometimes that we no longer can act and react the same, for everything now seems new, and sometimes a little less perfect then we once thought.
What we thought made us whole, no longer fullfills us. What we deemed happiness has become a mild irritation....and most noteably, we find ourselves in a new state of mind that is unfamilar and unsettling.

Yes as others have this effect on us, we too have that sort of effect on them. Each persons actions have impact...whether ever expressed or not, it is still there.

In the end no matter how our events play out, or how they end...we will be different...and for the most part we will be better for it.

However, unlike tattoos there is no way to remove these marks..we must simply choose to look to them as steps that lead us to our current selves...perhaps that deserves some gratitude.

The Birth of Winter

2005-11-24T19:43:00.000-08:00

Its been said that woman no matter how long or painful their birthing experience, that the memory of that day does not include the pain. Pain it seems disapates as soon as the child is placed in their arms....oddly winter is in alot of ways similar.

Every year we remember that the previous year had snow, that it was cold and that we were excited when it started to melt...but do we really remember winter for what it is?

We may remember our car doors locks freezing, but we somehow don;t remember the frustration and rage that follows as we stand frozen out of our cars in the sub zero weather, our faces pelted by harsh wind.

We remember that snow can make roads slippery..but forget that all this white powder requires a reduction is speed, the feeling of your car sliding...or how oh so fun it is to drive on unplowed roads.

We also have forgotten the shear terror when we realize that we as woman are unprepared, with no chapstick in sight. We wince as we walk down the harshly cold streets feeling out lips chap more with each second spent in such conditions.

But most of all ...when winter finally hits, and the tempreture plummets to -21, we forget the reason we live in this god forsaken country.

The first day of snow...I'm ready for it to end. Perhaps my only consolation is knowing that once summer hits, I will once again forget the horrible details of winter....just like a mother after birth!

Temptations

2005-11-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

Temptation is something that we all have faced at one point in our lives, hell we face it everyday don't we?

We are tempted by fabulously high heels that glimmer under the stores bright lights, or by that decadent piece of chocolate cake in the store window...hell I'm tempted by the neighbourhood Starbucks almost everymorning...but why is that?

Is it the actual object we desire, or the illusion of happiness we think it will bring? Many a time temptation is hardest when it comes to people of the opposite sex and almost as predicibly when you're most happily drawn to someone else.

Are these temptations really cosmic tests of faith and strength? Are they there to test what it is we really desire, to show us to what we really want?

I sometimes think yes....attention is nice, and when you are forced into situations where attention has been temporarily displaced....this focus on us becomes all the more sweet.

What though if we succumb to these desires....are they for the right reasons, and what after effects could we truely find there...my guess; something you hadn't planned on.
Rash decisions meant to satisfy an itch most often leave us with a rash, and a world of regret...so why do we still toy with the idea?

As hard as it may be to hold yourself back from these temptations, in almost all cases, its best to do so...because what you risk losing, is always greater.

Even though temptation is squarely staring me in the face, and haunting me on the other end of the phone.....I know the gamble it represents...a prize I most certainly am not willing to risk losing.

Could I lose it all in the end.....yep- Seems I'm a bit of a gambler after all. Some things though are worth throwing all your chips on the table for....because the win is always worth more the temptation ever will be.

We will always be tempted...theres no avoiding it, and maybe its better that way. For once, we are forced, to find out exactly where we stand and just what we value.

Singlehood

2005-11-21T18:39:00.000-08:00

For anyone whos single and lives alone...you can relate to the bittersweetness of our existence.

After all living alone has many benefits, you are welcome to eat ice cream naked on your kitchen table at 2am..the groceries you buy..miraculously are still there when you arrive home...and you never have to worry about falling into a toliet thats seats been left up in the middle of the night.

But just as with anything that you find pleasures in, miseries are also present.

Have you ever found yourself in need of toilet paper..which is neatly tucked away in the hall closet? Needed a helping hand when your bra strap is twisted, or someone to help you understand that phoning, emailing or knocking on doors at 3am after a night of drinking are all bad ideas!

So in moments like these do we question our decision to live alone..of course, how couldn;t you. It begs the question , why do we do it then?

For me, with all its troubles, living alone offers me something greater then a bringer of toilet paper...it offers me independence and an odd comfort, that even though I question myself sometimes ,I'm doing just fine.

I don;t have someone next door to listen when things go bad...but my friends are only a phone call or email away...and when you are comfortable with yourself, you never can really be alone!

Time goes by so slowley..

2005-11-20T15:40:00.000-08:00

Waiting for some people is not a problem, hell most of us do it all the time in our day to day lives. We wait in lines for gas, at bank machines, grocery stores and if your a woman your very familiar with the bathroom line.

Waiting I'm beginning to realize is something, it seems is easier for men, then for us "fairer" sex. How many times has your significant other said "I have something to tell you,but I'll call you later this week, to tell you okay?" and then gone insane till the phone finally rings?

Its true, us as woman seem to have the inherent ability to analyze and hypothesis what could be happening..what does he have to say? Is he going to break up with me? Is he okay? Have I done something..., frankly its endless the questions we lay awake at night thinking about..and whats more a little ridiculous.

What happens when you finally hear from him....as my good friend once said..he wants to ask for permission to go fishing! All that stress we cause ourselves for nothing!

Waiting I think is really a test of patience....which sadly I am in short supply of. I too am waiting, my head filled with questions....driving me crazy, to be honest, but for what?
Will all this worry find me any answers -NO. I must wait...

Afterall sometimes it is more supportive to put yourself on hold , while others work through their thoughts, or daily grind of work...and put yourself second

Perhaps its better to just believe that in these absences your not being erased or pushed aside...your just on hold listening to cheesy elevator music!

In this world of immediate gratification and instant coffee...waiting can be a challenge, but with every challenge comes its rewards....all you have to do is decide to wait for them.

All that fall must get back up

2005-11-18T16:52:00.000-08:00

Death is a subject that many of us shy away from, its makes us uncomfortable and sad...but more then any other time in our lives, its forces us to become introspective.

It certainly does for me, at my high school graduation, I wasn't considering the importance of the people in my life.....nor was I thinking that, the day I passed my drivers license.

But for anyone who's lost someone they love, its a common thing to analyze not only the lives they led, but also our own. Sitting in a funeral home, waiting to welcome the bereaved will do that to you...you sit..and wait...sit and think.

For me I realize my feelings for certain people and the ways I live my life. Analyze what needs to be changed...and what can be improved upon...but perhaps most importantly I realized the mistakes I have made, the mistakes I can now change in the future...

Death in alot of ways is a healing experience, like blueberries that grow on charred soil. You are stripped down to a raw version of your day to day self and forced to rebuild again, it is your choice however whether you turn out the exact same.

Quite often in my raw state, I feel rather alone....isolated, with my anger and saddness locked away and hidden...but not this time.

This time, I could be strong for others, because I drew strength from someone else...someone who at my lowest moments, I knew would have stood there with me, if he could have.

Yes death is quite the teacher. It teaches us value, appreciation, patience, and an understanding of others. This time however it taught me something else, as I want to be strong for others, their were people who just as badly wanted to be strong for me...and I needed to let them.

It was a rough day to go through, my grammy was very important to me...but to the one whos support crossed a great distance, it helped me through that day. Your support was something I shall never forget.

Rest in Peace Grammy....I hope to see you again one day and know that you will never be very far away.

Bricks and Morter

2005-11-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

I did something recently that I had never done, ever before. I opened myself up.

Have you ever stopped and wondered just when the moment came that you started building walls, hiding yourself away in an attempt to keep from going stark raving mad? I think my first brink landed early on at the tender age of 4 when the neighbourhood kids teased me that I was too stupid to go to kindegarten with them..even though they were all 5.
I came home crying and my mother wiped my tears and told me not to worry, I'd catch up to them or pass then one day....and I did, everyone.

The thing is I have never stopped, that attitude is what drives me forward and makes me so damn competitive somedays. I feel like I must prove myself at any cost..always be the very best.

More bricks piled on after years of grade school bulling, my fathers death and eventually unpleasent events in my early twenties...
We build these walls so high and so strong that when the time comes that someone knocks from the other side, we question whether to let them in our fortress, into our protective barriers.

I never have before, its taken my best friends years to see inside, but all but one have been locked out..only allowed to see the parts of myself that I permit and nothing more.

Till I met someone...who systematically figured out a way to break down that wall, brick by brick..till I stood emotionally naked before him..shaking with both fear and anticipation.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I've never been happier then knowing that he did. Oddly the fear that I had about letting someone in, was being kept inside by my safe walls....and only after I tore it all down and let him see me...did I feel at peace.

Can I get hurt...absolutly, but if so...then my last gift to him, would be my open heart...an experience never shared with another.

Kind of makes you wonder what you were doing bricking yourself up all those years, when to be truely happy...they needed to be torn down, not built up.

Bricks should shelter people, not emotions....and for the one who removed my wall, thank you...you have freed me from myself.

The Mind is the Devils Playground

2005-10-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when things are going well that just as quickly we suddenly doubt?

We doubt our every feeling, all past experiences and even recent events.....to what end and for what purpose?

Is it simply that we have a hard time accepting that perhaps things this time will be different, that for once the cards we are dealt may just be a winning hand.

Why does it seem that its easier to suspend our belief then to just believe it?

I am a thinker, a never ending stream of thoughts and ideas flow through my brain on a daily basis, so I acknowledge that I question and analyze just about everything.
Questioning afterall is something that more people should do, instead of floating through life like lost sheep in search of shepard, but when does it become to much?
When does our own thinking turn distructive?

Is it not often the case that our first instincts are often the most guided and correct? The cavemen relied solely on instinct...and evolved into the hoards of people that inhabit the earth, can our insticts really be as misguided as we sometimes think?

I struggle to believe that a large hidden hammer is not going to fly from the sky and knock me off my cloud, back to harsh reality , with a condolence card reading " Sorry...but you should have known better."

Its hard sometimes to think we are headed in the right direction when we analyze everything to death, disect each sentence with the skill of a surgeon. Its hard not to sometimes, when we are unsure of our footing, unknowing whether to take an umbrella to sheild off unwanted falling hammers.

If only the brain had a turn off switch for times like these, full of doubt and uncertainty. I am scared of what may await me, and hang onto my belief that I'm holding a royal flush....but maybe just incase, for now, I'll carry an umbrella.

Beating Hearts

2005-10-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

The heart is a funny organ....its necessary to sustain life, but also serves to let us know that we are alive.
Most sentences in modern day literature would loose all meaning if simply the understanding of the hearts powers were not known.

"I love you with all my heart.."
"My heart aches at seeing you go.."
"I know in my heart that it’s true.."

How is it that we can all relate to these phrases?

When it comes to emotional upheavals our hearts truly do ache...we double over in pain..and feel as though we can't breathe. Surely our heart is not capable of emotion, so why such a strong reaction and why localized where it is?

Emotions are really nothing...vapor. No one has ever seen an emotion, touched one..they are intangible - so how do we really know they exist? Exactly how is it that we can live our whole lives directed by an invisible source.

If we are incapable of knowing what causes these physical eruptions within us..isn't possible that these feelings are more acute then our logical observations are? Capable of picking up signs that we can't see with the naked eye?

Why is it that we can't breathe at the very thought of never seeing the one we love again? Or feel sick when we simply think of them with someone else...clearly nothing external had happened in that split second, but regardless you feel it.

Perhaps if we allowed ourselves to be guided without the need to understand, we'd end up right where we are supposed to be...I'm willing to give it a try and maybe a little faith cause for me it just feels right.

Clothes by any other name would be - Outfits!

2005-10-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

Ever walk down the self help aisle of the local bookstore, and stare in awe at the number of books claiming to have solved the mysteries of the opposite sex?

There are literally hundreds, claiming woman and men to be from opposite planetary systems...ridiculous. Isn't it possible that men and woman are different because from the time we took our first breathe we've been treated differently.

Case in point; clothing....

Men wake up in the morning, stretch, scratch, shower and put on clothes.

In contrast woman get up stretch..go through there usual morning routine which generally involves various lotions , potions, puffs and heat producing styling rituals. However the one thing that really illustrates my point is this;

Woman don't just put on clothes...we put on outfits!

Its never as simple as getting dressed and starting our days....no no.
My outfit process starts each day in the shower. As I suds up my hair...I visualize my entire wardrobe and assemble my outfit for the day..once picked then its onto appropriate undergarments (thus to avoid the much dreaded panty lines), accessories and finally the shoes.

Any woman, hell every woman has done this once in their life...and if it's not a daily activity..it most certainly comes out for special occasions.

New years has always fascinated me the most...my male friends would decide and purchase their shirt for that night the day of....and me, well in most cases...the planning process for my New Years outfit starts at 12:15am the year previous. Ladies am I wrong...?

Now to some this may seem ridiculous, all this planning, just so we're not naked..but trust me it's programming....

Think about it, how many outfits did G.I Joe have? Maybe two..camoflague shorts and camoflague pants - wow! Barbie....has at least 3 dream homes...with many many outfits.

So gentlemen, the next time your sitting, pacing or generally steaming about waiting for us to appear...understand, outfits are not as easy they may appear.

..sometimes just sometimes it takes lots of planning to be the fabulous selves that you oh so appreciate...trust me that wait is always worth it!

Surprise

2005-10-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find that the unexpected things sometimes are the nicest.
Surprises are a top in my favorites list when it comes to the unexpected.

Is there anything better then an card, a lunch invitation or a phone call from a good friend when you were least expecting it?

There's something exhilarating about the unknown...something almost tangible. Some hate surprises, hate being caught off guard and knocked off their balance...I wonder why?

Why is it that some are only satisfied when, completely prepared with game plan in hand...knowing what is about to happen and what will follow? Does this type of attitude not take the zest out of life...remove the best aspects of your day?

For me I love the unknown..love the idea that tommorrow everything could change in a blink of an eye....

With matters of the heart, maybe this is most relevent. Can you recall that feeling you got when suddenly you realized that the person you're talking too, means more to you then you first thought. You may have suspected...maybe even flirted with the idea, but never really knew till that moment.

I have...that sudden awe inspiring moment ; like shutters being opened to the sun, you're caught off guard, struck by a wave of emotion...a rush like nothing before.

Life is one big christmas gift with many layers of wrap. Each layer brings you closer to your gift, what's inside no one really knows....but shouldn't getting there be half the fun.

I can't wait till my next surprise...and one thing I know for certain is theres always another one right around the corner.

My shutters are wide open and the sun is streaming in....and I can't wait to see what happens next, what about you?

The Sexual Camel

2005-10-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ever gone through a dry spell....a drought rather..of a sexual nature.

Currently I am in the desert, by my own choice of course....the oasis I wait for is rather inaccessible right now. I wish I could say that I didn't mind, and that this self-imposed celibacy is not a big deal....course I would be lying!

Anyone who knows me....knows I'm a terrible liar.However as with most of you I have gone through my fair share of droughts before.

What puzzles me are those that shrug their shoulders and profess that its not a big deal......pardon? It’s a huge deal; after all we are not repenting monks at some Tibetan monastery.

Now its one thing to hold back your natural tendencies because of someone else....but what of those that choose to be celibate? Are they like sexual camels that can go for prolonged periods of time without the need for so much as a "snack"? Hell I start to shake after 6 months.....

I'm not sure how long I will have to wait, but I will.....and hope I still remember how it all works. I suppose its like riding a bike; I just hope I won't need a helmet and kneepads!

So to all you fellow camels out there, who wait for the rain..... you are not alone.Look around; see those who look cranky, uptight and slightly shaking ....those are your people, your sexless comrades.

After all I'm sure it will get better...right?

One is the lonliest number

2005-10-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Sadness is a tricky thing, something that is almost devious in nature. Often its sneaks up on us like a young child hiding around a corner poised to jump out and yell BOO.....we just never see it coming.

Begs the question doesn't it, is it that we suddenly become sad or more to the point are we always just a little bit lonely?

Oddly there are times like today , when the sky's a wash of grey and the wind is cold and chilled that my soul hurts the most. Where from under the comfort of my warm blanket, I get lost in thoughts, staring at the flames from the fireplace...and feel very much alone.

Of course many a time when we feel this way, empty and hollowed out....we certainly are anything but alone. We are often surrounded by friends and family who love us...maybe even a furry four legged variety as well....but perhaps this unsettlement stems from somewhere else.

Can we be lonely for those things that we so deeply yearn for, or moarn what seems to be slipping away? Is it theraputic to feel this way, allow your emotion to wash over you and bring you back to normal once more?

How frightening it is to watch that which you desire, float further away....completely out of your control. Could it be though, that it is us that is floating away...driven by a current of fear and impatience?

I now must struggle to fight my nature of impatience and fear of losing that which I have not yet lost, and simply relax.

I know in my heart that I am not alone, that I am significant to those in my life...and that ultimately I will end up where I am supposed to.

But for today, I will allow my body to feel what it must...and leave my worry for another day.

Secret Information about marriage

2005-10-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

Article after article has lately been touting that 30 is the new 20...making 40 the new 30....sounds pretty good to me, because before I know it, I'll be 20 again....Lord help us all!

What seems to be going hand in hand with these articles are statistics that couples who marry later on in life are less likely to divorce. So in short the older you are the better chance that you'll be together till death do you part....

Seems to make sense to me, I mean really the older you get...the closer to death you are! Less years to screw up....right?

How likely is it that an 80 year old who marries her seniors home boyfriend at the ripe age of 87 is going to see a divorce from that marriage?

Who exactly came up with this statistic.....woman my age who are tired of the pressure to get married, or feel as though we've somehow fallen behind... perhaps it was a 100 monkeys typing randomly on typewriters.

Am I the only one whos noticed this point? I mean really it's about as pointed as saying ice cream will melt faster in the summer then in winter!

I suppose I shouldn't complain...I mean at this rate my marriage is going to last forever! Course it will have to be wheel chair accessible..and my hair will match my dress, but hey I'm able to look on the bright side here.

It seems to me, I'll never get divorced..all I'll have to worry about is holding out long enough to get through the ceremony!

Emergency vehicles..please stand by.

FYI: Whistling is not conversation

2005-10-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

What has happened to old fashioned courting? Now I'm not talking about men pulling up in horse drawn carriages, with flowers and a chaperone.....cause really where the hell is he going to get a horse?

I'm talking about the simple act of oh.....i don;t know, perhaps saying "Hi, my name is.....what's yours?"

Have questions and conversation become passe? Is it now customary that after a few grunts, an odd whistle and some directions to the nearest Starbucks...this is now enough? That with such little effort its okay to simply assume that we are all willing to follow you home like lost dogs...grateful that you have come to save us. Get over yourselves.

News flash, most self respecting woman DO NOT find it flattery to be hollered at from passing vehicles....we just don't. I've even so much as had some guy use his suped-up horn system to do the whistling for him!!! How lazy can you get, now they can't even summon the breath to whistle?

Grated not all men are like that...some are wonderful, who listen and genuinely want to know who you are...unravel the mystery that is you. However others, these howling counterparts, are not even interested in knowing your last name.......attractive quailty.

Please, for the love of god......show some effort. You'd be surprised how showing interest in us, will almost always pay out in a showed interest in you. So, put your baseball hat clad self back inside your beat up car and watch the damn road and both of us will be better for it!

Wheres your life raft when you need it?

2005-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself feeling as though dark ominous waves are crashing over your head, and you wonder desperatly if a raft will be along to save you soon?

At some point we've all felt terribly overwhelmed, surrounded by TO DO lists that just seem to grow by the minute...and you wonder as you add yet another task, if you will ever get finished.

Panic is a funny thing...and it presents differently in people. Me personally I start laughing...when my work load reaches a point where its gone from busy to ridiculous, all I can do is laugh. Some cry , others get snarky and snip at people...why I wonder are reactions to this kind of stress so different?

What about those that don't stressed..these I truely worry about, and hope they aren't part of their neighbourhood gun club...the phrase "going postal" pops to mind.

I had a rather sobering thought just a few days ago...I've got a grown up job.
Sounds rather stupid doesn't it....but as we hustle through each day, do we ever stop and realize that we've become adults.

Although I exist entirely on my own, no roomate, no parents..just me and a rather hyperactive puppy...you'd think I'd have figured this out sooner. I'm a grown up.

I'm not sure when you actually start to feel like a grown up ..anyone who knows me, is quite aware I don't like an adult, but saddly I am.

So as I manage to navigate through these days when the waves are bearing down on me....I'll search for my rescue raft...and apparently some Ben Gay...as I'm an aging rapidly.

But no matter how old I get, or how responsible I should be, i will never loose my child like qualities...after all that's the best part!

How do you help the ones you love?

2005-10-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been torn between wanting to help..and wondering if maybe you're best to leave well enough alone?

Found yourself stuck in a horrible oasis, where your loving advice may fall flat or cause more misery? My baby sister is having a horrible time of it lately and it kills me that I can't help her...but really what can you do?

How many times have you found yourself , falling...no net beneath you and no bottom in sight. Could any words have constructed such a net?

Has the comforting words of advice ever been enough to bring us comfort and lead us away for our torment? No of course not....we at some point must always carry our own crosses..bear our own burdens; face our fears and move forward... it doesn't however make it any easier to watch happen.

Perhaps the best we can offer those that struggle, those that see nothing beneath them but dark depths...is to just listen. Quiety observe the pain...take on the burden and offer support but not advice.

So often we are quick to offer advice...solutions to fix the pain.... but is this for us....or truly for them? Is it often easier to solve others pain, to just ease ours?

We must trust that these people we love, are stronger then we even know...and that being said makes them all the more capable of dealing with lifes harsh realities.

My little sister will always be my little sister...perhaps its time I realize that my little sister is not so little anymore...and a grown woman.

It doesn't mean that I won't still care, it just means that I will learn to trust her and her decisions.

Maybe when we are concerned about those around us... we should instead trust that they are capable of making the right decisions all on their own and reserve our judgement.

As I have learned in my not so easy going life.....the best lessons learned are those that were not easily won.

Perhaps the hardest lesson for all of us is to trust. Trust that we are not all knowing and that whats bigger to those we care about is that we trust them.

....as hard as it may be for us...we must accept at some point that is not about us...its about them, to simply let go and just trust.

What to do with the delusional?

2005-10-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

When was it I wonder that the lines of definition around dating became one big blurry mess. Don't you think as I rocket toward 30 that I would have some idea as to what constitutes dating and what doesn't?

Has it ever happened, that you were informed of "your" relationship last? Found out that while you spent your days single and fancy free, secretly behind your own back you'd gone and started dating someone??

It’s a rather shocking revelation, but what’s worse, how do you end it?

Do you end the relationship with yourself...or with the other person; and what’s more...do you tell yourself about it? You can see why its all very confusing can't you...it’s like having your car repossessed; when you didn’t even know you owned a car!

I find it fascinating the multiple definitions of dating that exist....does talking constitute dating? Does Big Macs and PG-13 movies constitute dating?
Does sex constitute dating?
I think all elements are part and parcel for a relationship as it develops, however the one thing that solidifies a real relationship...is knowledge that you're in one.

So what to do with the delusional? Be kind...we've all been there at some point. Coveted someone from afar, to scared to talk to them. Hell...I've been having a cerebral affair with George Clooney for years....but that’s different, we're in love!

I think it’s easy to sit back and fantasize about what your relationship would be..without any risk of being hurt. In my experience however, as terrifying as being open and honest is....its always more fulfilling especially when no one runs away!

Relationships, by whatever definition are risks...some much bigger then others, and sometimes the bigger the risk the sweeter the reward; but nothing was ever gained by not trying.

Instead, the next time you see that object of your affection, say hello and smile...who knows where it will lead...and develop that relationship....just make sure the other person knows about it.

Cause I'll tell you finding out last that you're dating someone...is that fastest way to ensure that you never will. Call me selfish, but I like to choose who I date and who I don't....for the one I do choose, I will cherish.

Hell, I'd better cherish him....after all I'd be risking everything with George, now that's what I call love!

Holidays are Emotional Mine Fields

2005-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

What is it about holidays that seem to bring out the absolute worst in ourselves...that raises the stress levels to new heights?

Is it that these forced holidays, only make for explosive environments...when your are sitting with Dear Aunt Maggie, whos assuring you that you will infact become a spinster and die alone.... while Uncle Jim who's gotten into the scotch by 1pm walks around asking everyone to pull his finger.

Please do not think I dislike my family....in fact nothing could be further from the truth...I adore them...but sometimes, I'd rather like to kill one or two of them as they hoover over my shoulder telling me the gravey appears to be getting just a bit lumpy.

Holidays are always hard, they remind us of people we've lost, who used to sit in certain spots....that now are filled by gravey judging aunts.

We miss those we cared about, endure some that showed up and feel condemed for once again being single for a holiday. I'm not sure when holidays required dates..but can we stop with this already?

Whats our date going to do, chew the food for us, like a deranged bird?? I tell you any date of mine that did that...well lets just say would not be attending the next holiday!

Holidays I fear will always be a pressure cooker for emotions...maybe its an idea we must get used to.

We will have to accept that Uncle Jim will be drunk by dinner, that Aunt Maggie will deem you a spinster at the age of 27 and that your gravey may indeed end up lumpy....but at the end of the day you love them all the same.

You may not always like your family and sometimes contemplate selling them to the travelling circus, but when they're chair is empty you will miss them.

Perhaps this Thanksgiving, simply being able to enjoy our families for another day, is enough to be thankful for...even if that sometimes requires several glasses of wine!

Happy Thanksgiving!

SO....am I any good?

2005-10-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

How many times have you been in line at the grocery store, waiting ... scanning the articles the person ahead of you has purchased...and then in search of yet another distraction have read the headlines on any womans magazine?

" 50 ways to make your man Howl"

" Men revel, what can make you the BEST lover yet!"

"Giddy Up Cowboy- 15 moves to Buck his Bronco"

You see similar headlines month after month...and as an avid reader, it tends to be the same tips repeated to exhaustion.

Now some I must admit, have at times come in quite handy..or so I hear, but what if you were to memorize each move, trick and secret insider information- would you then morph into some z-bot sex fiend?

Aren't these articles redunant? Sexuality is an individual thing..so isn't it ignorant to assume that all men like the same things in bed?

Now it may be easy to get men to agree on what they like on pizza...but in the bedroom its all over the map. So the question begs to be asked how can we ever know whos good in bed and who isn't?

The "Limp fish" withstanding, perhaps the one true thing that can make a woman exceptional in bed, other then flexability that can rival a slinky.....is confidence.

You want to be a tiger in bed, pull hair , scream...let loose...DO IT! Trust me they will love you for it...because you may not be a model, but if you're into it.... you'll be the sexiest woman alive!

So ladies, saddle up and let loose....I guarantee it will be a wild ride, for you and your partner!

Giddy Up!

Don't Blame me...its not my fault

2005-10-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Don't Blame me, its not my fault.

How often have we heard not only ourselves but others utter this sentence?
Why has it become such common place to shift blame onto someone else rather then take responsibility for our actions.

Human beings are said to be the alpha species, capable of calculated thought, then why is it such a challenge to understand that every action has consequences. Consequences that we are responsible for and should own.

We hear it often, in various different scenerios....

" The stupid dryer shrank my pants again!" Now the dryer may have indeed shrunk your favorite pants, however more likely you pants are tighter because you've been dating your refrigerator for the last 5 months and paying a donation to the gym rather then actually going.

" My child is overweight, because the school system doesn't give them enough gym time."
Although time spent in the gym has been shortened to make way for a greater time in math class, using the television and a bowl of chips as a babysitter, likely has a greater impact on your childs weight.

" Our society is suffering from a greater increase in violence, due to movies and video games."
Not that agree with gangster rap, incredibly violent video games, or movies where dozens of people are blown away in the opening scenes..but is this really the problem? Could it be that a lack of discipline and absent parents trying to live up to the Jones..is more the problem?

This blame game is an epidemic, filtering throughout our lives everyday. Gas companies blame natural disasters for hikes in gas prices, instead of a steady diet of greed. Governments blame our inability to donate funds to desperate AIDS situations in Africa due to lack of funds, instead of lessening spending allowences for politicians.

Perhaps the most distrubing is young females who were forced to get breast implants because of the pressures society places on beauty, instead of saying they don't believe they can be perfect just as they are.

Granted I spend an obscene amount of money getting my hair done, whether I can afford it at the time or not. Should I blame the cost on the fact that the solution had to be shipped from the U.S, and that costs more because Bush went to war with Iraq? NO.

It disturbes me that we no longer take responsibilty for our personal decisions, what kind of message is that sending to those of younger generations? A very dangerous message.

So the next time you start to complain about the gas prices and the increasing cost of fuel...remember no one made you buy an SUV the size of my living room! Accept your decisions, they are the one thing you really own ...and the consequences are just interest.

I'm Not Odd ...I'm Quirky

2005-10-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

We all have quirks, like it or not..its the way it is. We do however spend a great deal of time trying to mask these strange little things we do.

God forbid someone might think that we're odd , or even just a little bit crazy.
This has never bothered me, I've been told I'm quite crazy several times...but what does that accomplish..not much , other then giving me a rather large complex!

Quirks , are the unique little things that make a person who they are; instead of a carbon copy of every female out there walking around. I have several, for instance...
one of my most annoying quirks for my mother is my inability to finish a drink.

Doesn't matter what it is, water, tea, coffee, or beer...I always leave one last swallow in my glass...which many a time has left my mother with a rather wet and coffee stained sock while loading the dishwasher everytime I'm home.

I've not figured out why I do that, perhaps I was a camel in my past life, and with no hump to store water, I accumulate liquid in random glasses spread throughout my home instead.

Another rather strange quirk is my need for all bedding , towels and dishware to be white.
There is something I find quite disturbing about sleeping on sheets that look as though a pack of crayons managed thier way into the dryer.

Similarily, I have a great deal of trouble enjoying a beautiful dinner off plates, with pictures of kittens playing with string. Its all very distracting, especially for someone with the attention span of a kitten playing with a ball of string!

Interestingly enough we all have several quirks; reading magazines from back to front, turning our spoons upside down in our mouths when eating ice cream or making sure we are perfectly centre at the movies...its those things that make us who we are.

So the next time you see someone, maticulously seperating food on there plate so nothing touches, or stirring there coffee four times counterclockwise, remember they are not crazy...their quirky and you love them for it!

Why Quit..when you can prolong the misery?

2005-10-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the expression " Grin and bear it", sometimes I think I invented that saying..or at the very least heard it enough as a child to believe that is the only way to go in life.

I never quit anything....EVER, which can only lead me to believe one of two things:
One, I am a highly disturbed individual who secretly enjoys taking the path of MOST resistence
or
Two....I just am not very good at seeing when something is not worth fighting for anymore.

But between you and me, I think my real problem is best summed up with the words of my grandmother " It's your god damn german stinking pride!"

Somehow I thinks shes right, I can't stand to sit back and lose, convinced that I will not be beaten under any circumstances.

It almost became an unconcious battle till yesterday at the gym. As I was puffing away on the elliptical machine, a rather pert..and disturbingly beautiful woman got on the machine beside me.
Not to be out done, I was determined to last longer then her, even though I already had 15 minutes on her time...and I did, which I am paying for dearly today.

Just when ; I questioned did it become a competition? Why did I feel the need to compete in the first place..and just how much therpy am I going to need , to fix me!!!!

Even when doing something I absolutly hate, I refuse to give in, to be broken..roll over and accept defeat.....the very thought makes my skin crawl and as for today, my muscles ache.

In my defense this attitude has kept me going long after I could have curled up in fetal postion, thumb in mouth, rocking back and forth. This unseen force is what makes me get up time and time again, after being knocked down.

Does it make me determined- yes, Does it make me strong - yes. Does it make me a stubborn block headed german- Definetly.

I have taken plenty of hard knocks in my day....however I realize now that most of them I brought on myself...and have paid sometimes quite dearly for. You't think I'd learn, but apparently I'm not a quick study...just another thing to bring to therepy!

Course its impossible to change a leopards spots....so tonight, I will plunk myself next to the oldest and roundest man I can find....and save myself for my next competition.

Everyone Needs a Cheerleader Now and Then

2005-10-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days when the statement that no one is perfect sits right front and centre, like a big banner: NO ONE IS PERFECT EVEN YOU!
I suppose in some ways its a trade off for our opposible thumbs, this nuscience of imperfection. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Todays little shit storm, was just about all I could take for one day. I like to pretend I'm perfect....try to make sure that everything I do for work is perfect and I really truly hate making mistakes!
Whats really unfortunate when these mistakes happen, I tend to start blaming myself....wondering why I couldn't have done better or have dealt with things in a smarter way.

I have no problem accepting mistakes others make, and brush it off with an "well.....thats unfortunate, what can we do about it now" sort of attitude, but for some reason I can;t have that same attitude for myself.

I find it difficult to remember when faced with these situations that I am just as bright as I was 5 minutes earlier, and that it was an oversight....course I don;t think I;m allowed to have those!

I know several people like myself...we're easy to spot...hopelessly lost in our thoughts, chained to a cell phone and totting the largest coffee we can possibly find. The modern day zombie...its not a pretty picture people.

I have a friend who is never stressed, rolls with the punches and rarely doubts herself. When I inquired one day how she does it, she looked at me and said "My husband is her best cheerleader"; Yes I too rolled my eyes...great, so now I have to get married to feel perfect?

She went on to explain that just knowing that he believed in her, allowed her to believe in herself at the times when she faultered.

Its true really....how very important it is to know that the ones closest to us, believe in us, even when we aren't perfect. Those friends who are their with a bottle of red....and a listening ear, when all day was 3 steps forward, and 2 steps backward.

Now I'm not going to start carrying around pom poms or anything..afterall how would I hold my cell phone and coffee?

Perhaps though, I will congratulate the successes, console the miseries, and encourage the wild ideas....cause thats what I would want and on days like today- need.

I think tommorrow I will start...for today I just feel beaten, but at least I still have my opposible thumbs, and I guess that counts for something!

Can we live in dreams?

2005-10-03T22:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken from a dream..and questioned if it had actually happened or if it was just a dream? A dream where the colours were so vivid , the sounds echoing in your head....so clear that you can still feel the sun on your skin.

Its said that when a patient loses a limb that they experience phantom sensation....is it possible that dreams are not much different.

Lately I've been having dreams like these..so real that I question if they happened and sometimes wish they had.

If only we could live in our dreams..spend our days there, happily tucked away where we are at peace..living out our greatest dreams and fantasies. If we could would you really want too?

Is it that only when in our safest place, can we truely appreciate the serenity of our nightly escapes....removed from the rushed and stressed existence of our daily lives.

I cherish my dreams..these private moments in slumber that are all mine, uneffected by the harshness of reality. Left pure without disruption from our confusions and regrets.

There is someone in all our lives that unlocks parts of ourselves that we've kept shadowed, hidden away fearing that if seen, we will be rejected and hurt.

Hold on to these people.....these truly special people. In our dreams they are with us, even if in actuality they are quite far away.

Course those that touch your soul, are never that far away ...they live in your heart, and in our dreams.

Paris....if you're not talking about the City in france, please stop NOW

2005-10-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton...everyone knows her name..saddly. What is it with this girl? Why is she so popular, and for what?

Perhaps shes such an integreal part of our social fiber because of her literary skills...what was her book called again? How to become an Heiress..news flash if you're reading that book, I'll skip the important part..
You're already born...chances are if weren't born an Heiress, YOU"RE NEVER GOING TO BE ONE.

I can't believe this girl even has a book...or a television show. Ironic though that what launched her television career was a naughty little sex video ...... the only thing she didn;t learn was that shes better when shes not talking! Course being the daughter of daddy richbucks, certainly helps a television career..if all it took was a sex tape, half the female population would be on TV.

Am I jealous, not really, I don;t begrudge people who are successful when they worked to get there...as no one should. But Paris's greatest accomplishment in life was finding a viable sperm to fertilize her egg!

Yes lets bow before Paris...

What really scares me though, are the new clones that are everywhere. Girls who have starved themselves down to mere shadows, bleached out there hair and bought a little rat dog. People those aren;t fashion accessories..they are dogs!

Why must we all follow someone? Girls for the love of god...get educated, earn your own money..be beautiful on your own terms....and find yourself instead of following others.

A Pictures worth a thousand words

2005-10-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I revelled in pictures from a recent vacation to Mexico. There is something about pictures , similar to scents that can bring back a flood of memories..so tangible you can almost reach out and touch them.

For me this trip was unlike anything I'd ever had before..and the memories seared into my brain...hot on my skin....ghosts that follow me throughout my days since.

The saying is that a picture is worth a thousand words...but maybe they are really a tool to bring us back to that moment. So we can relive it over and over in our heads.....hear the music, smell the air...feel the touch of skin on our bodies...
But I still crave the conversations....the hear the voice again.

I wake up everyday wanting those moments back...wondering what I would change and how it would have effected those memories. Wondering if I missed an opportunity that I'll never have again.....hoping to find myself one day faced with that opportunity again.

Until then I'll cherish my photos, melt when I smell a certain cologne...and wait for my opportunity again, because for me there is no other option.

Church or State?

2005-10-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

In the paper this morning, there was an article about the battle that is currently insuing between the pope and Paul Martin, regarding same sex marriage.

Why is this even in the paper? Gay marriage is a right now in this country and rightly so! I say to all these people who strongly oppose gay marriage to look around, and recongnize that us heterosexuals ain't doing such a great job with marriage as it is! Whats the divorce rate now?! 69%?
Are they handing out Buy 2 get 1 free coupons with your vows yet?

Whats more who is the pope to be concerned about gay people marrying when his priests have been molesting young boys for centuries; it would seem the priorites are saddly misplaced.

Religion itself is a funny thing really....I personally, am opposed to any one formal religion. I still believe in a god and all that entails...but I refuse to choose one organziation to hang my banner with.

How can I choose and why should I? People have been fighting and killing each other for thousands of years over which religion is the right one.....and I still can't see the reasoning. Fighting over religion......is like fighting over an Oreo at a Weight Watchers convention!

It only serves to defeat the very purpose of what your trying to accomplish isn't it?

Instead of always preaching our faith, we should all just shut up and instead listen....and start believing in tolerance and understanding for once.

Parking Ticket...I'd prefer to just throw money out my window!

2005-09-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

There are many irritations in life, loud construction on a saturday morning, infuriating line ups at the local Timmys...which grows ever longer as the guy at the window ponders between a glazed donut and his usual Boston Cream, screaming children running wild at the grocery store...and parking tickets.

Most things that irritate me, don't leave me hostel, instead I rejoice that I am no longer there...and have left someone else to suffer through my past misery...but parking tickets......they really chap my ass!

Who ever thought of this concept anyway..its not like I parked diagonally across the street, blocking traffic....my offence...being 2 minutes late at my meter.

I mean really who thought...gee, I'm going to clear a space and rent it out to people by the minute.....parking lots are nothing more the real estate prostitution. You arrive, pull in for a short time, paying an obcence amount to do so...and if your over your time limit..your just plain screwed.....YUP real estate prostitution.

Making meter men, the pimps. I'm quite sure that these people of such great authority are all to aware of the power they hold, parading down the street ..looking down there noses at all the little people.

And what happens if you don;t pay this money in 15 days....they hold your license ransom! I mean seriously don't our courts have bigger things to deal with?! They let off Micheal Jackson and OJ...but no they hunt me down like a dog for my $15.00!!!

Parking tickets..grrr...I think I'd rather just throw my money out a car window......at the very least I could hope that one of these evil meter pimpdaddies would split his pants bending over to pick it up! That would be sweet justice......oh to dream!

What is it about the CHING of a cash register that makes me SO happy?

2005-09-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

As the weather grows colder it becomes clear that its time to once again haul out last years winter clothes.....for another LONG winter.

However it always seems when you bring out last years clothes that they truely look....well like clothes from last year. They are faded and tattered...worn to pale versions of there original selves.

Whats a girl to do? Buy new stuff of course! So off to the shopping mall I go happy, almost in a state of euphoria. Why is that? There is truely something exciting about searching for some new and fabulous treasures..among the endless racks and stores.

In alot of ways shopping is a tangible form of drug addiction......you crave it, you think of it often and try your best to avoid all temptation...but then it hits.

You hear the articles call to you from across the city..." buy me , you'll look great...come on no will ever know...its our little secret" and really it is a secret between you and your credit card company.

We all have a vice of some sort....shopping, drinking, smoking...men.....and for some of us, vices are simply a way of life. An itch that must be scratched.

Are they all bad, maybe...perhaps we should all learn the pleasure in waiting...take pleasure in anticipation of wanting something so badly.

For me the anticipation comes in waiting for the things I didn;t buy to go on sale...but until then I'll toddle home, smiling and whistling a happy tune parcels in hand.

Do we ever really know what we want?

2005-09-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

There are times in everyones life where we find ourselves wishing that things were different. We wish our job was better, credit card balances lower and our thighs would part ways and never touch again...but most of all that we find love.

We wish for it with shooting stars, at certain times of day and at birthdays...hoping that as the candles add up ...one time our luck will change..and that next year we can wish for a pair of fabulous Kenneth Cole boots instead.

But what happens when we find someone...or rather a couple someones at the same time. Are we happy then? Of course not.

We end up conflicted and destroy all chances with satans greatest trick...comparison.

We compare one against the other in an endless list of faults. This one makes me laugh, this one treats me like a princess and this one gives me butterflies....but not one does all those things. Is it really fair to think that one man can ever really satisfy us, when we simply can't stop at one chip, or cookie?

What happens when you find that one elusive creature who makes you laugh, treats you like princess and gives you those butterflies.....but you can't have him?

Its happened to all of us at one point in time....and to some of us more then once....and some its still happening. Do we create these situations ourselves...tempted by the ripened fruit that is forbidden?

They say that Eve was the temptress who exhiled them from Eden....maybe instead we should revere her as a heroine who had the courage to reach out and pick the fruit she so desired. The saying is that all is fair in love and war...but when it comes to love, are we fighting for each others fruit...or to scared to pick our own, threated by the thought that something better still hangs from the tree.

In my opinion....steel up your courage and grab for the forbidden, if it will truley make you happy, because whats the worse that can happen....

You'll be forced into exhile and shamed into wearing clothes....sounds like a great deal to me. You've tasted temptation, and are sent off to shop.....maybe Eve had it right the first time.

Or could it be that our greatest wishes are rooted in our greatest fears.....afterall what do we wish for when we gotten everything we've ever wanted?

You'll only find it when you're not looking...kind of like a taxi at 2 am!

2005-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

We've all heard it before, "You'll find him when you're not looking.."

Just what does that mean? Is it like the miraculous taxi that appears two blocks from your house at 2am, while teetering home on ridiculously high heels?
Or the Mack truck who just doesn't see its newest victum before plowing them over.

I like to think the latter.

Its seems its only when it comes to love that we find it when not looking. Whos ever found there dream job , by sitting at a coffee shop flipping through Cosmo and snacking on a choclate chip cookie....no one I know, and likely no one you know either!

What happens when your not looking has in my experience never been good, its a place where cheaters live, and back alley drug dealers.....sounds like a ripe breeding ground for romance.

Instead perhaps they should say if you go around with a sign around your neck that says.."For the love of god someone..pick me" that chances are..its not going to work. Much more direct, don't you think?

I say instead of hanging around waiting and hoping to not be the last kid picked for the adult version of dodgeball ( no pun intended) , screw the game...grab a cookie and hey maybe your dream job will come walking in!

Dating- The newest form of self destructive behaviour

2005-09-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

There comes a point I think when you suddenly look up from your $5.00 coffee and wonder what the hell you're doing.

And whats more..who is this idiot sitting in front of you explaining the finite details to the latest and hideously violent video game.

We've all been there, lets face it...sitting there, listening...all the while wondering if you should have worn the red skirt instead, cause your current selection is chaffing; as you shift back inforth in your seat, determined to stay awake.

Again and again we give these guys a chance, hoping our intial impressions were wrong. We excuse bad behaviour with excuses that WE don;t even believe.

"He didn;t mean to stand me up...he's a 30 year old man who can;t tell time." please...

The more I've been in this testosterone protein shake, the more I realize that its a modern day form of self destructive behaviour. You start out dating with a healthy self esteem and a confident outlook....and then you date. You meet the Cheater, the Drinker, the Frat boy, the Mr. Non-Commitment, the NON-giver ( you know what I mean), the Invisible man and my all time favorite the All ready committed but unhappy guy......

And before you know it you went from young , beautiful, confident and proud..to old, haggered, bitter and jaded.

Sounds pretty damn destructive to me!

Shoes or Software?

2005-09-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

I find it terribly interesting how ones mind can so rapidly justify some purchases at the speed of light and cause great guilt for others.

For instance, today I went out and purchased a new webcam...as well as the latest and greatest anti-virus software...to protect the very thing that is costing me a fortune! My computer!

Whats interesting as I moaned all the way home about the money I had just spent is how ironic it all was. Many a time I'd gone and spent the same amount on the "cutest" shoes and handbag..with barely a bat of the eye.

Perhaps its instinctive that shoes..a womans jewellery for your feet....somehow transends the financial border that triggers buyers remorse. After all slipping on a new pair pf patent leather stillettos is just about the best thing one can do alone...and in public!

I realize that this webcam will in the grand scheme of things actually save me more money then a fabulous pair of pumps....but it really doesn;t look that hot with a pair of jeans, now does it!

2005-09-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed lately that in a society where woman are deemed equal , that men somehow are regressing to there former cave like selves?

As of late I have been stood up TWICE by the same male...who infact quite possibly has the worst luck known to human kind. The first time it was the ever famous car accident....and the other well that excuse is pending. My money is on alien abduction...well thats my hope anyway, I think it suiting.

Just when did it become acceptable to waste others time. Don't we do that enough all by ourselves..waiting in lines for cash at the ATM, quietly seething while we wait for the scholar ahead of us to order their Venti, Non-Fat, Half-Caf, Light Foam, Hazelnut, Latte. Must we now object ourselves to this type of senseless abuse of time while dating!

Anyone who is still on this path of self destruction is already quite aware; that a warm blanket, pint of cookie crumble rumble ice cream ( or something equally rich and laden with calories) and a few good movies is often more satisfying then their last blind date was.
And anyone who argues......is lying.

Heres a hint for all you lost boys out there...a special secret from the other side. If aren;t going to show up, don't ask. If you don't want to go..just say no! Stop wasting my time and pass me a spoon....and just like that your not the bad guy....you're and enabler!